Categories: The Roaster!

Vol 1: The Gemstones

                    I know comedy is done as a comedy routine but my first ‘The Roaster’ post has more than just a comic twist to it. It’s kinda therapeutic to me as I get to release negative energy that has done enough harm to me and talk that has been eating me up from inside over the years. There are things I wanna get off my chest, the emotional rollercoaster some of the women who I crossed paths with, got me riding. Promise not to laugh….the heck, laugh your derriere off I won’t be embarrassed from it for I can’t see you doing so. That’s the beauty of writing ha-ha!

                    First thing’s first, is love real or is it an illusion? Were we built to co-exist as animals do in the virtue of being drawn to the opposite sex just to get past the courtship phase which passes for an interview in terms of trying to evaluate the other whether they are a suitable partner to bring up off-springs with and to allow for the continuity of the species and in this case the human species?..Too many questions unanswered but I trust the process to get me through and shower me with insight I so dearly yearn for and need. These questions arose in my head coz of the not-so-pleasant experiences I’ve had with specific six ladies in my life so far. Ama take you through my journey with each one of them but am not name-dropping coz it ain’t cool and this black but light-skin lad is all about cucumber-cool! They’ll assume names of various gems though and you’ll know why I went with gems by the end of this revelation.



A pearl gem

Is it just me or is it that these chiqs from well-off background who happen to look ravishing are intimidating A.F?! I came across her in my freshman year way before I quit media school. Petite, dark-skinned bombshell, cute as hell..or should I say ‘hot’ coz that would pass on both the literal and figurative fronts when describing hell. She gave me this piece of her too – HELL! I bet she didn’t even know. I had this mega crush on her but did the impossible to conceal it and nobody, not even my best bud knew about it. All I would do was just steal a brief stare once I’d get into class but couldn’t get myself to break the ice and chat the lady up. Damn, where were my balls back then? I guess I am a late bloomer coz its just recently that I started feeling them and doing them justice. I think the Universe compensated me for the delayed blooming and blessed me with three! Can you imagine I missed out on her and after sometime my bud let me know that she did throw a few glances back at me meaning she was feeling my vibe too! Oh well, I won’t beat myself up coz its spilt milk. What I learnt?..a chance not taken is a chance missed.



The ruby ore

She had a pretty best friend but she was way prettier….oh! oooh! Danger is spelt when you engage besties at equal measures. I eff’d up! Psyche! I really did, not her (how I wish) but rather eff’d up. She was into me, couldn’t see it and considering how assertive she was or rather I shrugged her off for she was too pretty to fall for a guy like me…or so I assumed. So I went ahead and pursued her bud but it went south. Before I could recover my losses, the prettier and more vibrant one was taken. I had lost both ways. Lesson learnt from that was that I need to never lose focus, have a lil’ more confidence in myself, never settle for less, assumption is the mom of all fuck-ups and that seize a moment at the right time, when it’s still on. ‘chelewa chelewa…’



The white diamond

Yass! And be sure as hell am not talking about ‘Platnumz’. What about Diamond? thee Male version has a disposition to brim anyone with envy. The (my) female version though..not sure if I could say the same. In possession of a couple of striking body features but showcased a fake façade that would get anyone fooled, get you played, leaving you feeling like shit. She was also so good at guilt-tripping people and if time hasn’t done her justice, she’s still a master and perhaps just got an honorary degree in that sect. She had little respect for the boy child and I kept asking what nasty experiences did ‘boys’ get her through but I never received any definite answers ever! A pathological liar and she did this with such ease. I kind of feel sorry for whoever will get to settle with her in the long run i.e. if time still hasn’t changed her for the better. If personally I had settled with her then, there would come a time her beauty (what I dumbly fell for) would start to diminish (coz no one’s meant to last two centuries) and all I’d be left with is a nasty old wrinkled woman by my bedside watching my life fading away as I combat aging with eternal stress. Time and experience mold people though and I hope this happens for her for she has potential. But it’s just that, potential. Whatever transpired in that period with her reminds me of the famous adage I learnt back in elementary school.. and now am surely never gonna judge a book by its cover.



The green garnet

A summarized story of two besties ( I know I know… it’s too much. Guess back then I had a high-affinity for besties or rather it boils down to the fact that birds of the same feather flock together so obviously attractive ladies make camp together and you either drawn to one of them or both of them). I have done my share of immense mistakes. Red garnet, the wild, outspoken, overly-social one.. on the other hand, green garnet was a lil introverted and suppressed most of her va-va-voom. They both had their selling points but red garnet got to me first coz of her vibrant disposition. That was the obvious outcome. Products with commercials running on the regular get to consumers damn fast.

Spessartite red gemstone

So I was human. With time I got to know what green garnet was all about, started resonating with the vibe she exuded and this came at the time where red garnet couldn’t contain her vibrance and it was time to switch products for the initial one wasn’t working for me… thought it would be that simple. The joke was entirely on me. I did make a move on green garnet right then but now that am writing it down, I feel the whole thing was rushed. I mean if I was in green garnets shoes, I’d think this lad is coming at me just coz he couldn’t keep up with my bud. Or rather am his option two (which wasn’t true at all). People believe what they want to believe and things took shape to my disliking. I lacked strategy and patience and so It was an epic fail. I really don’t wanna dwell on it for that’s crying over spilt milk. Lesson learnt, Patience pays and not in monetary denominations but she pays good! (‘she’ coz I heard she was a bitch)


Iridescent Musgravite

In a nutshell, I taught her how to treat me and I taught her badly. They say you teach people how to treat you and those guys who came up with that weren’t bullshitting us. The way you portray yourself towards them, the way you talk to them, the things you say to them, the things you do for them and how much or less you tolerate from them matters a lot! The lessons you give them are subliminal so if you see your partner treating you in a certain way take time and reflect on the vibe you’ve been throwing across. I messed this one myself. So now I’ll pull an Otile and “do better” next time. On this particular lassie I ain’t got a lot to say. She had a double personality. She hot uno momento, the next moment she cold. Its hard to keep up with such. At times I’d think that her menstrual cycle was jumbled up to the point of running throughout. I did put up with it for a while but it came down to either allow myself to lose her or my sanity. It’s obvious what I chose.


          Apologies for supplementing real names with such precious stones. My reason, there was a time they all were special to me so I can’t take that away just coz we parted ways. They are the ones who made me better and whatever relationship I get in now I will be able to handle smoothly courtesy of these gems. Screw them though. My preferences now are gold and gold only. Already done spotted one. But it’s a work in progress and ama exercise patience on a whole new level this time. Wish me luck!




Toni Mali

He is a a senior content developer at Tsavo Media Group, a writer inspired by life at large and cool vibes. He is equally a key travel and destinations reviwer.

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